I wasn’t just staring at the Starbucks website and wondering how quickly I can get their two newest frapuccinos – Tiramisu Cake and Midnight Mocha 🤤 – shoved down my throat.
I wasn’t doing that at all.
Hello there! Happy Monday to all of you who are enjoying their summer vacation like myself, and can’t figure out whether it’s actually Friday or just feels like one. To the rest of you poor shmucks who have to wake up and go to work/school/college today, I offer my condolences.
Maybe if we all work together, one day we can put a stop to the madness that is Mondays. You know, for the children 🙏🏻 .
Anyway, I’ve been rereading Percy Jackson, Heroes of Olympus, and all PJ books like I do every summer. Now, I’m on PJ and The Greek Gods, which has honestly made me come this close to peeing my pants like 726495879875 times so far. Every time I start manically laughing out of the blue, my mom pretty much assumes I’m reading some Percy Jackson novel.
Love you, Uncle Rick.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to share some of the most pee-inducing (hilarious) moments from Percy Jackson And The Greek Gods with you, because trust me, everyone needs a little Percy Jackson humour in their life. There are so many funny moments, I had to split the post up into two parts!
So let’s begin:
1. When Percy was describing Gaia’s (mother Earth) and Ouranos’ (the sky) marriage:
‘Like Gaia, Ouranos could take human shape and visit the Earth – which was good, because the sky is way up there, and long-distance relationships never work out’
2. Percy’s take on how Gaia bribed her kids, the Titans, to kill and overthrow her husband Ouranos:
“You just take this sharp pointy blade and you cut your dad into small pieces so he can’t bother us again. Whichever of you does this will be the ruler of the universe! Also, I will make you those cookies you like, with the sprinkles”
I mean, what the hell 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
3. His comment about the scenario going on in Number 2
‘Back then, the rules of behaviour were a lot looser. Maybe you’ll feel better about your own family, knowing that the first family in creation was also the first dysfunctional family’
‘Koios, the Titan of the North, lived at the opposite end of the world. He was sometimes called Polus, because he controlled the northern pole. This was way before Santa Claus moved in’
5. The ‘burning questions’ others would ask Koios when they found out he had the gift of prophecy (ie that he was a fortune teller):
‘ “What’s the weather going to be like on Saturday?” “Will Kronos kill me today?” “What should I wear to Rhea’s dance?” ‘
6. Percy’s fan-freaking-tastic description of Hyperion, the Lord of Light.
‘He wore blazing golden armour and was known to burst into flame at random moments, which made him fun at parties’
7. OH MY GOD I WAS DRINKING SOMETHING AT THE TIME OF READING THIS BIG MISTAKE BIIIIIIG MISTAKE IT ENDED UP ON MY SHIRT:
‘The Greeks called this place the omphalos, literally the belly button of the Earth, though they never specified whether it was an innie or an outie’
8. Percy’s explanation of what the Titan Rhea’s name meant:
‘Her name means either ‘flow’ or ‘ease’. Both definitions fit, because she always went with the flow, and she totally put people at ease’
9. His take on the goddess Leto’s role:
‘Koios and Phoebe had a girl named Leto, who decided she wanted to be the Titan protector of the young. She was the world’s first babysitter. All the mommy and daddy Titans were really happy to see her’
10. His amazing description of Hestia, the first Olympian goddess:
‘Hestia was like an improved version of the Titans – Titan 2.0, The Next Big Thing. Looking at her, Kronos felt like an old cell phone staring at the latest model smartphone’
11. This freaking hilarious conversation between the baby gods in Kronos’ stomachs, as Kronos was tricked into swallowing a rock instead of baby Zeus by his wife Rhea. Yeah, the titan Kronos swallowed all his children because he was scared they would grow up and overthrow him as ruler of the world. Anyway:
‘In Kronos’ belly, the five undigested young gods heard the rock rolling down the oesophagus.
“Incoming!” yelled Poseidon.
“This is not a baby”, Hades noticed. “I think it’s a rock.”
He was observant that way’
‘He was observant that way’ HAHAHAHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAH
12. Percy’s idea of godly nursery rhymes:
‘That night, the goddess rocked the baby by the fire. She sang him nursery songs from Mount Olympus, like ‘The Itsy-Bitsy Satyr’ and ‘I’m a little Cyclops’ ‘
13. Zeus’ concerns about his future children with (one of his) wife Themis, after he gave birth to the three Fates. The Fates are shrivelled old granny ladies who see and control futures, in short:
“You know what Themis? I’m not sure this marriage is going to work out. If we keep having kids like those Fates, we’re all going to be in trouble. What’s next – the Three Doomsday Bombs? The Three Little Pigs?”
14. This conversation between Olympian wife and husband, Zeus and Hera:
“See how you like it!” Hera cried. “I’m going to have a kid all by myself, without any man! I’ll have a baby all my myself!”
Zeus scratched his head. “Uh honey, I don’t think it works that way”
LOL ain’t that the truth 😛
15. This statement, after Hera punishes someone for no reason at all (what else is new?):
‘Hey, that’s fair, right? Zeus sleeps with a mortal woman, so Hera finds the woman’s son and kills everyone in his kingdom. No, that’s not psychotic at all’
This is what we call Persassy, my friends.
And that’s it for Part 1! Part 2 coming soon.
Till then, have fun. Do something different. Give a donkey a shower. Scribble randomly on a piece of paper. Give yourself a haircut.
If you do decide to do any of these, don’t tell your parents I told you to.
ThePastryPoet, signing off.