Grammatical Goofups That Make Me Want to Rip My Hair Out and Eat It.

If it wasn’t for the limitations of the human body, I would actually do that.

Hey guys!

Welcome to my rant.

I love the English language. It’s great.

It’s just very finicky, with a whole bunch of rules. These rules are actually pretty easy to remember, if you pay attention in class and have a little bit of common sense 🙂

But English is kind of like a recipe for a chocolate cupcake. Everybody has one, everybody knows it, but they’re not all the same. The style in which people speak English varies in regions, and countries. I don’t think the actual rules differ at all, but tell that to the stubborn kid next door who gets annoyed and says “My words, my wish!” when I point out a grammatical mistake.

Ugh.

One such ‘variation’ of the English language is ‘Indian English’. Indians are amazing. I should know, I’m one of them. Most of us have tip-top English skills. However, there is a sort of trend in the way that us Indians speak English. Everything else is perfect, but for a lot of the Indian population, these are some VERY common grammatical goofups. I am in no way demeaning Indians, or their literacy or anything like that. These are just a few mistakes that pretty much all ‘Hindustanis’ make (very, very often). It’s HILARIOUS, and let’s face it, it is wrong at the end of the day.

So you might be wondering why I didn’t include anything about Indian English in the title. It’s because I really like the current one. 🙂 .

1. ‘What you are doing?’

This one, is among the first errors that I noticed after coming to India. I was out on the field in school, running laps because my gymnastics teacher told me to, and MAYBE I might have stopped to chat along the way. Oh who am I kidding I ran like a metre and told my friend the whole storyline of Percy Jackson in that time. But ANYWAY, this football coach comes up to me, whistle and all, and he was all like “What you’re doing child?”, and I was like “Heh?”. Come on people, we learnt how to form these sentences in kindergarten. You know everything about the North Korea situation, but you don’t know that the ‘are’ comes BEFORE the ‘you’? COME ON. Does it really take that much effort to say “what are you doing” like a sane person? Seriously.

2. ‘My head is paining’

When I hear anyone say this, I literally go insane. You know in Johnny English Reborn, when English has this breakdown at the mention of Mozambique but on the outside he appears to be quite close to normal? That is me, except my madness will be clearly reflected externally as well as internally. The word pain is mostly used as a noun, as a feeling of extreme discomfort whether it is physical, emotional, or mental. It can also be used as a verb, for example, to say ‘It pains me to leave my home’. Then why can’t we say ‘my leg is paining‘? A verb with the suffix -ing means it is being used in the progressive tense, ie, the action is going on. HOWEVER, pain cannot be used in the progressive tense. It’s a RULE. Therefore, I would advise you to use ‘aching’ or ‘hurting’ instead of ‘paining’, unless you would like me to become violent. Thanks 🙂 .

3. Asking questions with your voice.

When an Indian asks you a question, the sentence structure will be the same as a statement. The only indication that they’re asking rather than telling, is the way they modulate their voice at the end by raising the pitch. For example, instead of asking “Are you going today?”, they are likely to say “You’re going today?”, changing their voice at the end. This makes the sentence structure incorrect for a question, but who cares right? It just BREAKS RULES AND MAKES NO SENSE WHATEVER. This is so classic. You really can’t escape it if you’re in India.

In conclusion, if you want to get me SERIOUSLY TICKED, do one of the things above 🙂 .

I hope you enjoyed this post. You can’t get much funnier than Indian English 🙂 .

ThePastryPoet, signing off.

 

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