I’m a pretty light-hearted person. I like sunlight and cheerfulness, and brightening up someone’s day with my wacky sense of humour. So I’m a pretty nice girl most of the time. Unless someone comes up to me, all like:
“Hey, can I borrow your book?”
That sentence is the GAME CHANGER. You want me to give you my book, this wonderful little object whose pages have been my home and whose characters have been my family for so long? And you want me to be happy about it? Yeah, the chances of that happening are about the same as my maths teacher saying we should skip class and go to a bar instead.
Sure, I’ll loan you my book. But don’t you expect me to be happy with it. Don’t even expect me to be okay with it. Because that creepy smile on my face right now, that’s a lie. I’m really just thinking of all the terrible stuff that might come out of my mouth, if my book comes back to me in bad condition.
Wait, no, not even bad condition. Even if it’s just different, I will mentally beat you up. You could take my book to a salon to get its hair done, and I would still be mad. Why? It’s simple, really. Because THAT IS NOT HOW IT WAS WHEN I GAVE IT TO YOU.
So I have developed this little list of rules, for every poor dear who wants to borrow my books. It would be in your best interest to read this, trust me.
- If you crack the jacket, I will crack your skull.
- Bent pages are punishable by law.
- So are torn, creased, crumpled or missing pages.
- Unless you want me to hunt you down, you will keep my book far away from your meals.
- Do not take my deadlines lightly. If I need it back in three days, it better be on my table in three days, preferably two and half.
- If, by any chance, you have read the next book in the series, then perform the following actions before returning my book: get a piece of duct tape. Now stick it on your mouth. I’m not taking no spoilers from you.
- Only I can read it in the bathroom. That’s not applicable for you.
- If your opinion of the book differs in any way from mine, then it’s wrong. Please leave.
That’s where it ends for today, folks.
What did you guys think? Do bad borrowers annoy you this much too? Let me know in the comments below! I’ll be back soon.
Seriously, though. If you damage my books in any way, then I’m going to put down my curling wand and pick up an axe. You better start running.
ThePastryPoet, signing off